[Insert Your Name Here]

 Setting the Stage

This is it.  It’s the big day. The day you have been planning for months. You have everything in place, all the spreadsheets and Pinterest boards are actualized. The air is electric, charged with excitement and anticipation. You walk down the aisle and are doing your best to hold back the tears. You see the cast of characters that have helped make you who you needed to be to find your way to this day. You are almost there, you look up and see your partner’s face smiling in anticipation of your arrival and in the center of your tribe, you see the face of a stranger…your wedding officiate [screeching halt, what the ?!?].

Stranger Danger is Real!

Not only did this scene play out on our wedding day, but our officiate mispronounced my name during the ceremony.  While the bungling of my name provided a bit of comic relief for those of us at the center of attention and made for some great candid photos, it is not what I hoped for. I planned for everything, but what happens when the minister can’t even pronounce your name.

Flip the Script

“You need not be [insert name here] in a ceremony script that has been used hundreds of times. ”

The good news, is that today there are options. You need not be [insert name here] in a ceremony script that has been used hundreds of times. Your big day should be exactly that, YOUR day, a day to celebrate your journey and your story. Who better to be the person to stand with you during this moment in your life than a family member or friend that you both love and respect? Your wedding day third wheel, your storyteller, your master of ceremony should be someone who has been with you along your journey. Not someone you have spent a total of 30 minutes with.

Will You Marry Us?!?

There are many things to consider when choosing who you will ask to stand with you on your big day:

“There is no perfect formula to officiate a wedding, every couple is different. Every family is different. Every ceremony is different. Often times ­it is the minister that is the special sauce that makes it unique.”

• Do you have a friend or family member that you both love and respect?
• Does this potential officiate know you as a couple? How have they been a part of your journey as a couple?
• Does this individual have stage presence? Charisma? Can they “bring people with them?”
• [Full list of things to consider]

Once you have decided who will officiate your wedding ceremony, the next step is for your friend or family member to apply for ordination. Once ordained, your minister should also do their homework on the steps necessary to perform a legal wedding ceremony in your state [marriage licensing requirements by state]

Last but not least, your newly ordained minister has some additional homework to do; spinning your tale, your story…. writing your ceremony [ minister resources].

Will You Marry Us?

Will YOU MARRY US?

I bet that is something that you never thought would come out of your mouth. Before everyone gets weird, we’re not talking in a polygamous kind of way, but in the, “we love and respect you as a friend or family member, will you officiate our wedding ceremony” kind of way.

The last several generations have seen a fundamental shift in the United States regarding the role of religion in people’s lives. This reframing of religion has led to two distinct discussions:

1. A shift in thinking on how couples view who is best qualified and most relevant to officiate their weddings.
2. New conversations on religion and spirituality.

What does this mean for those planning a wedding? This means that the sooner the discussion on who will perform your ceremony happens, the better off you will be. The minute the word religion enters a conversation, one of two things happen; it either unifies or divides. It may or may not be divisive for the two of you, but let’s layer on two sets of parents, several grand parents, a couple of opinionated aunts and things get complicated fast.

 WHO SHOULD PRESIDE OVER YOUR WEDDING CEREMONY?

• Are you getting married locally or is it a destination wedding?
• Are either or both of you practicing in your established faiths?
• Are your established faiths present and apparent in your day-to-day lives?
• Have your religious practices played a significant role in your relationship and your lives together?
• Do you practice the same faith as your partner?

“...two-thirds of America’s millennials have been raised in a religiously unaffiliated household. ”

— Pew Research

Once you have considered these questions, the answer may be very apparent. Perhaps you are getting married in your hometown where you both grew up and attended the local church.  On the flipside, perhaps your path forward is less obvious…destination wedding, differing faiths, and religion in its traditional sense is less present in your everyday lives.  You may consider yourselves spiritual, but not religious. Maybe you have not put that much thought into your spiritually lately and you believe how you find your center, your clarity is your business and no one else’s. You are not alone; two-thirds of America’s millennials have been raised in a religiously unaffiliated household. 

SHOULD YOU ASK FRIEND OR FAMILY MEMBER TO OFFICIATE YOUR WEDDING CEREMONY?

• Do you have a friend or family member that you both love and respect?
• Does this potential officiate know you as a couple? How have they been a part of your journey as a couple?
• Does this individual have stage presence, charisma? Can they “bring people with them?”
• Is this person someone you want, literally, in your personal space on your special day?
• Is this friend or family member vested in your path forward? Are they someone you can turn to for advice and guidance?
• Are you in absolute agreement on who your officiate should be?
• Is this friend or family member likely to not just say yes, but #%% YES?

IS THIS WEDDING ABOUT THEM OR US?

 If you choose not to elope, no matter how you look at it, your wedding day is not your own. You are also celebrating your tribe. Although this is your day, it is also a tribute to everyone you love. Having them in your lives has helped to make you who you needed to be to find each other. That being said there are a few last things to consider:

• Are there religious or family traditions that you should honor during your ceremony
• Can you honor these traditions in a ceremony officiated by an ordained friend or family member?

 If the answer is yes to question one, then the answer to question two can also be yes. Using a non-denominational ordained minister does not mean you have to have a pagan wedding where everyone renounces all things holy. A ceremony performed by an ordained friend or family member can be whatever you want it to be. 

 Planning a wedding is a wild ride, particularly if you have a destination wedding. We are often so focused on logistics and taking care of our guests that the ceremony takes a back seat. It is important that you select a wedding officiate that you are not only comfortable with, but trust to advise you as you create the ceremony and the promises that will be the roadmap for the next phase of your lives. 

“Connection and personality matter.”

If you have decided to have your friend or family member officiate your wedding ceremony, the first step is for them to apply for ordination.